“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho