[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My what?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.