@MichaelTrying

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

You Might Also Like

@NicCageMatch

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

@Gupton68

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

@SortaBad

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

@JustMeTurtle

OMG you guys!! I have abs

.

.

.

.

.

.

…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

@mydmac

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

@BigJDubz

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon