My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
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Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon