Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
You Might Also Like
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.