@RealLaVarTrump

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

You Might Also Like

@Kali_Mura

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

@MedusaOusa

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

@aka_fatman

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

@0point5twins

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

@DanMentos

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

@bourgeoisalien

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

@mommajessiec

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

@TragicAllyHere

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

@velvettusk

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.