Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

This guy’s not having it 😆

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.