Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Lol
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?