Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt