Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

Dishonest mechanic?

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

is this how new cars are made??

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.