ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
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Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.