*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Become ungovernable.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Are you ok, human???