*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
“our sushi is very fresh”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.