“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar