“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
-Octopus preparing for a fight
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.