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-Octopus preparing for a fight
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH