What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
-Octopus preparing for a fight
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT