@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

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@SoVeryBritish

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

@SkinnieTalls

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

@thisislizz

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

@geekysteven

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

@BigJDubz

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

@noog

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

@whatmaddness

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

@jackiembouvier

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

@Carbosly

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.