Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LaqueefaTeen

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

@007Pepe_Rex

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

@Skullcat

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

@briangaar

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

@crunchenhanced

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

@ScottLinnen

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

@GinRumMe

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

@ericonederful

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

@GianDoh

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

@EJGomez

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT