*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.