*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Breaking news:
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???