*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.