Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable