roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
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Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Not all heroes wear capes….
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme