Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

I think my mom just blocked me

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”