Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel