roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.