roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I think my mom just blocked me
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”