roman lesbians: *caesaring*
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what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
A little too much information.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
japanese corn
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.