Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.