Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.