Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Print is alive and well!!!
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.