Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Genius idea!!
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.