Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

mom had nothing to worry about