Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me