@T_Bonezzz_

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

You Might Also Like

@mazizkhalifa

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

@shutupmikeginn

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

@SwearySpice

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

@shanethevein

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

@FavoritesYou

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

@callmeEvian

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

@cambuslad

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

@iwearaonesie

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV