[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*