Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
You Might Also Like
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
work smarter, not harder
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”