Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
You Might Also Like
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.