romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
You Might Also Like
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.