@OctopusCaveman

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

@MelvinofYork

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

@TitansHomer

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

@atDevin

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

@13spencer

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

@

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

@GrantTanaka

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

@blade_funner

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.