Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.