Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.