ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
what’s the point then??
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.