Room with a view.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Human are so complicated
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.