ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Me when someone tries to get to know me
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
also my go-to takeaway order
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER