roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
*gets down on one knee*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon