[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.