Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

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{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?


I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.


Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.


My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”


[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?