@abbycohenwl

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

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@blade_funner

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

@whimsik_l

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

@BipolarBearDick

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

@coffeeandvinyl1

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?