Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
CRYING
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample