[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
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Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.