Rooting for the overdog
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?