Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
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[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.