[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I was just discussing this with my cat
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.