[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
no such thing as a dumb question
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.