Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
There is no “we” in chocolate.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.