Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
A roof is a house hat.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
an octopus is just a wet spider
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Hot Hot Hot
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did