roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
one last job
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
This makes total sense…
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS