@MorganJ7

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

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@NoTheOtherJohn

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

@Matt_The_1st

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

@envydatropic

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

@huntigula

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

@robin_991

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight