@MorganJ7
@NoTheOtherJohn [Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
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@NoTheOtherJohn 
@Matt_The_1st I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
@envydatropic Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
@huntigula ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
@robin_991 I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
@treadway_amber Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
@Jake_Vig If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
@DainWins [Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
@ThisLocalHater I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
@ch000ch (reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight