Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover


I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches


Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive


ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me


I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.


If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.


[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]


(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight