Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive