Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
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streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks