Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
selena gomez
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick