Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
He took my last fry, your honor
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick