Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
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“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Krampus.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.