Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

Support your local cemetery

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?