Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*