Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I need this for my side hustle.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Adultry does not sound fun at all
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.